


Haunted by the Past

by Dexterous_Sinistrous



Series: A Soldier's Fight [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Akuze, Colonist (Mass Effect), Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 06:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2378312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dexterous_Sinistrous/pseuds/Dexterous_Sinistrous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River Alexandria Shepard leads a complicated life. She fought impossible odds against Saren to save the Citadel. She died and was resurrected. She has collected a team full of misfits, to say the least. But now, in the middle of her fight against the Collectors, she finds herself on Tuchanka, assisting Grunt in his rite of passage. What she didn't expect was to come face to face with her haunted past and relive one of the most traumatizing moments of her life: Akuze.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haunted by the Past

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Commander Elijah Ryan is my Original Character created for the backstory (Colonist/Sole-Survivor) of my Shepard (River Alexandria Shepard). He was her mentor and the type of commander she strives to be. Please don't steal :)  
> 2\. River Alexandria Shepard is my Shepard. luxluninaire has written a wonderful fanfic following River's experiences through Mass Effect 3, entitled "Fall To The Earth."

Shepard sat at her desk, leaning as far back in her chair as possible. She idly played with the cross on her dog tags. The tags clinked together every time she ran the cross across the chain, moving it back and forth as she hit the tags. Shepard was grateful Anna Ryan gave her Ryan’s cross as a remembrance when she had given Anna his locket.

_"He talked about you a lot,” Anna said as she placed the cross back in Shepard’s hand._

_“He’s the reason I joined the Alliance,” Shepard stated fondly as she looked at the cross._

_“He always sounded so proud when he spoke of you. A great heart and compassion,” Anna’s words made Shepard looked down at the ground briefly to keep from crying. “Thank you, for bringing me this. It means an awful lot,” Anna looked up at Shepard and smiled through her tears._

Shepard thought about her military career and how it suddenly became less then glamorous now that she worked for Cerberus.  _With_ , Shepard thought as she looked at the picture of Kaidan staring at her from the desk.

 _You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me._  Kaidan’s words echoed through her mind, remembering the way he backed away from her when he found out she was with Cerberus. He acted as if she was poisonous to be near, and it hurt her to think about it.

Had she earned the sacrifice Ryan had made for her all those years ago? Shepard couldn’t help but second-guess her choices. She joined forces with Cerberus to try and save the human colonies being targeted because the Alliance refused to listen to her.  _That’s a good enough reason, right?_

“Commander, we’re coming up on Tuchanka. Grunt and Samara are waiting for you in the shuttle bay,” Joker’s voice came in over the intercom.

“Thanks, Joker. Tell them I’m on my way down,” Shepard stated as she stood from her chair.

“Aye aye, Commander,” Joker’s voice responded.

Shepard wasn’t sure if Ryan was able to see her now, but she was determined to keep up her end of the bargain and make him proud.

~0~0~0~0~0~

“What will happen?” Grunt asked the shaman as they entered the keystone arena.

“Who knows? You must adapt. You must thrive, no matter the situation,” the shaman responded. “Any true krogan will.”

After the shaman cleared out of the arena, Grunt addressed Shepard. “We have to activate the keystone.” Shepard looked at the green button by the stairs they just ascended, reaching out and touching the button lightly.

“First the krogan conquered Tuchanka and mastered a natural world only we are fit to hold,” the intercom stated before a noise rang out loudly, calling forth enemies. Shepard turned and looked at the waves of varren charging at them.

“Here they come,” Grunt stated, punching his fists together in anticipation.

Shepard readied her weapon and opened fire on the varren. One by one the varren fell with ease. After a few minutes the varren ceased to appear, with Grunt stating, “Ready for another round, Shepard. Tag the keystone.”

Shepard lightly jogged over to the keystone again, hitting the button a second time. She reloaded her weapon as the voice on the intercom spoke again.

“Then the krogan were lifted to the stars to destroy the fears of a galaxy, an enemy only we could chase to their lair.” Another noise echoed out of the arena to call more enemies down on them.

“Crawlers!” Grunt shouted when she saw them. “Come to your death!”

Crawlers began to swarm around them, Shepard proceeding to move backwards with ease as she fired at them.

“Embrace eternity!” Samara yelled as she used reave against one of the crawlers.

“I am krogan!” Grunt yelled loudly as he charged several of the crawlers. Shepard continued to fire as she thought about the outcome.  _There has to be something major for round three. These rounds haven’t caused us any trouble._

The crawlers were finally all eliminated when Shepard placed her gun away. She was running low on ammo and the only weapon she had left at full capacity was the Collector’s particle beam she picked up on Horizon.

“We need to trigger the keystone to end the Rite,” Grunt stated.

“Be ready for anything,” Shepard replied as she moved over to the keystone, punching it with the side of her fist.

“Now all krogan bear the genophage, our reward, our curse. It is a fight where the only goal is survival!”

Shepard looked around, disliking the wording the voice on the intercom used.  _Survival. Round three is all about survival_. The sound radiated outwards again, louder than the other times.

“Feel that? Everything is … shaking. I am ready!” Grunt stated as the ground began to rumble.

Shepard felt her stomach drop and panic rise up through her body, getting stuck in her throat in the form of bile.  _This rumble. It’s the same as … Akuze_. Suddenly a blue tentacle surfaced, dancing back and forth in a taunting manner. Shepard made the connection between the tentacle and the ground shaking. She felt her knees begin to weaken as fear took over.

“No,” Shepard faintly whispered when suddenly the blue tentacle disappeared into the ground, a thresher maw surfacing in its place. It screeched loudly as its head reared back, spitting a clump of acid out at Shepard. She jumped quickly behind covering, hitting it harder than she had anticipated.

“Finally, an enemy worth fighting!” Grunt announced as he opened fire.

“Shepard, are you alright?” Samara called from another covering not far from Shepard.

“I’m fine,” Shepard forced out. Focusing on her breathing, she steadied her hands as they wrapped around the handle of her weapon. Shepard could hear the screams from Akuze, could picture the blood on the ground as well as the limbs of her comrades.  _You’re a survivor_. Ryan’s words echoed through her head. “I can do this,” Shepard stated before moving out from her hiding spot and opening fire on the thresher maw.

After several minutes of gunfire, the thresher maw screamed out, writhing and recoiling as it fell to the ground dead. Shepard’s arms fell to her side, heavy with relief. Her hands loosened and almost dropped her weapon to the ground.

“We have company. Good. I want more,” Grunt stated as a shuttle moved over-head to land beside the arena. Shepard placed the weapon on her back as she followed Grunt to the shuttle.

“You live, and you brought down the thresher maw. No one has done that in generations. Urdnot Wrex was the last,” Gatatog Uvenk stated as he paced back and forth.

“My krantt gave me strength beyond my genes. Which are damned good,” Grunt replied.

“This will cause discussion. I wonder…You say you are pure? No alien meddling in your construction? Just the warlord Okeer?” Gatatog Uvenk probed more.

Shepard began to run on a type of autopilot, merely listening to the conversation and answering when needed. She was still trembling inside from the encounter with the thresher maw. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. She felt as if she might suddenly wake up back on Akuze and relive the nightmare again and again, her life over the past years becoming a distant dream.

After fighting Gatatog Uvenk, Shepard power walked with great speed to the shuttle, Samara and Grunt hurrying behind her. As they climbed into the shuttle, Samara looked at Shepard before inquiring, “Shepard, are you sure you are alright? You look pale.”

“I’m fine, Samara.” Shepard knew there was slight anger in her voice, but she couldn’t help it. She felt as if she was going to fall apart if she didn’t hurry. Shepard counted in her head the number of bolts she could spot in the shuttle to keep from bursting into tears, quickly jumping out of the shuttle as soon as it docked in the Normandy’s shuttle bay. In a fast manner, she was able to make her hands work long enough to unhook all her armor, tossing it onto the workbench where it normally stayed.

Shepard got into the elevator before Grunt or Samara could disembark from the shuttle. She quickly hit the elevator’s button for her cabin, jutting her hand out continually in an attempt to make the metal compartment move faster.

“Shepard, hitting the button continually will not make the elevator move faster,” EDI’s voice filled the small metal box.

“Sorry, EDI. Just in a hurry,” Shepard lied, watching the light on the floor indicator move up, passing the other floors and heading straight for her cabin.

“Do you require assistance, Shepard?” EDI probed.

“No!” Shepard snapped slightly, wincing at her harsh tone. “Sorry. I’m fine. I—I just want to be alone.”

“Very well, Shepard. I will disengage monitors in your cabin to ensure privacy.”

“Thank you, EDI.” Shepard said as she took a deep breath. The elevator’s doors chimed loudly, opening to reveal her cabin’s door.

Shepard quickly moved, opening the door to her cabin. She began to pull at her clothes, ripping the zipper open on her Cerberus issued jacket. She needed to get in the shower to stop her oncoming cold sweat. She needed to calm down. Shepard threw her discarded jacket on the floor as soon as she freed her arms from it. She tripped as she tried to hurry out of her boots, causing her to lose balance and land on her hands and knees. The floor flashed to resemble the blood soaked ground of Akuze.

Shepard tried to crawl to her feet as she ran unbalanced to the toilet, holding onto the toilet’s seat as she threw up. Her ears were ringing as if she had been hit in the head, a thin layer of sweat covering her entire body. Pushing away from the toilet she reached for the shower’s nozzles, turning them on in a hurry. Shepard closed her eyes, the warm water beating down on her face and body, not caring about her clothes anymore.

Shepard placed her hands out in an attempt to brace her body. Slowly she sank to the ground as she curled her body together. Shoving her back into the shower’s wall, Shepard brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them. The water rushed over her face, making it nearly impossible to see through the sheet of water. She placed her forehead against her knees, breathing deeply to try and calm down. That’s when Shepard began to cry, unable to stop herself now.

~0~0~0~0~0~

“Where is the Commander?” Dr. Chakwas stated in urgency as she entered the bridge to stand behind Joker.

“Woah, Doc. What are you doing up here? You never leave the med-bay,” Joker stated as he turned around to face Chakwas. “Drink too much of that brandy?”

“Where is she, Jeff?” Chakwas stated again, this time more sternly.

“Shepard is in the captain’s quarters, Dr. Chakwas. She did, however, express the desire to be alone.” EDI replied.

“Is this mission report accurate? The Commander faced a thresher maw down there?” Chakwas’s voice expressed concern as she questioned Joker, waving a datapad in front of her.

“Oh, yeah. She kicked its ass though. For a second, I thought it was her rite of passage. You know, cause she was doing all the fighting,” Joker stated looking between EDI’s hologram to Chakwas.

“Oh God, no,” Chakwas stated as she hurried down the bridge, making her way through the CIC and into the elevator.

Chakwas barely waited for the elevator doors to open up fully when she slid in between them, opening the door to the cabin with great haste. She nearly tripped over Shepard’s discarded jacket as she entered the room. She bent over, picking up the jacket to inspect it before following the other discarded items as they made a trail leading around the corner to the bathroom. Chakwas could hear the shower running which made her both hopeful and terrified to move forward.

“Commander?” Chakwas called as she approached the shower. For the first time in her medical career, she was afraid to open the door and look inside. With everything Shepard has gone through, the average person would have broken apart years ago.

Chakwas knew that Shepard’s psychological profile stated that she had been considered “psychologically unstable due to extreme PTSD,” but Shepard had never shown any distress in front of the crew, or her. It was something that she rarely talked about, which made the Alliance stamp the seal of approval for Shepard to remain on active duty.

Steadily, Chakwas reached a hand out to the door to activate the censor. The door’s censor spun before opening. Shepard was in her tank top and pants, still sitting under the shower as she hugged her knees tightly. Shepard didn’t look up to see who opened the door, making Chakwas certain the situation was worse than she had feared.

Chakwas stepped forward, reaching a hand out to check the temperature of the water, only to recoil her hand briefly at the sudden cold. She reached an arm out to the shower nozzle, debating whether to turn the water off or not. Ultimately, she turned the shower nozzle up, making the water become warmer. Moving under the water, Chakwas knelt beside Shepard.

“Shepard,” Chakwas said her name to allow the Commander enough knowledge to determine who it was that found her.

Chakwas turned her body to place her back against the shower wall with Shepard, sitting beside the Commander. She reached her arm up over Shepard’s shoulders, placing her hand on Shepard’s upper arm. Without a word, Shepard slowly turned her body to allow her to push her face into Chakwas’s shoulder.

Shepard clung her hands to Chakwas’s arms, shaking and silently crying into the doctor’s shoulder. Chakwas tightened her arm around Shepard’s shoulders, her other hand coming to rest on the back of Shepard’s head. She brushed her hand against Shepard’s hair as she tried to calm her sobs.

“It’s alright,” Chakwas said in a low tone, an attempt to calm Shepard’s tears. Shepard’s body shook as she tried to catch her breath. “You’re safe now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to join me on tumblr:
> 
> [drunklightning](http://drunklightning.tumblr.com) is my blog where I reblog anything I find of interest.
> 
> [dexterous-sinistrous](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com) is suited towards my ramblings about my writing, and NSFW. (It's where I serenade myself about Sterek). It's my trashcan of emotions. Feel free to stop by and say hi, criticize me, make incoherent noises with me, whatevs.
> 
> [Send](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com/ask) me any prompts you think you'd like to have me write!


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